I'm in here somewhere, inside this tub of goo. I just cant seem to find me. This isn't an existential crisis or anything, I literally cant find myself in this body. After weeks of working out, and trying to eat right (Not all the time, but a hell of a lot better than I was), I don't feel different. I don't look different. No one is bending over backwards to tell me I look better? And before you pick up the phone or think about it, don't, if you've seen me and thought I looked better, you'd have said something, and going forward, now I'm going to doubt anyone who tries to compliment me.
One of the problems with being a big guy is even when the guy in mirror changes, it's hard to tell. We'll find out soon, the Good Doctor is going to make me get on a scale next week. If you remember, the scale at the doctors office wasn't big enough for me at 400lbs., so I can say with out fear of overstating: If I don't come in at least at 399lbs., I am going to be distraught beyond belief. I cant believe I'm that big to begin with, so to have worked at it for at least 7 weeks and visually, emotionally, and statistically have no proof, is nothing short of a failure.
This morning I got dressed for work, and I stood in the mirror trying to look for something to give me a clue I'm headed in the right direction. I could only find myself finding more things wrong than right. maybe I distorted my own self perception to see something more bulbous and rotund than I am, but I cant stop doubting myself.
Thru it all, I've been torturing Jessica... she's gone most days to the gym with me, and if you just ask her, her GUNS are quite breathtaking. Ask her why she's called the Thesaurus. But since we've started, I can see a difference in her. She looks better than when we started this, and is becoming more beautiful each day.
It's hard to see Jess garner these result while I am still looking into the mirror and wondering what I am doing wrong. I know how to work out, I'm pretty sure. There's not much I can do between now and W-Day next week in terms of losing copious amounts of weight.
I guess, for now, I'll keep looking into the mirror... for something that resembles me...
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2 comments:
I was going to make a comment like, "As long as you keep looking for Jess Garner in the mirror, you'll keep feeling like a failure." But then I realized I was actually thinking of Jennifer Garner, and it all fell apart.
I hate it when my jokes are ruined by my idiocy...
-Penfold
For the very beginning, it was always going to be about the little changes. I see them and others do too but as usual they tel me and not you... which is unfair for both of us. I also think that if you really look at the effort, you may realize that there are more ways to push yourself. Not to take away from any efforts so far becuase you ahve been kicking butt but if you are serious, it is time to get REALLY serious. (AHHH!!!)
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